This is the second in a series of posts about water safety. To read the post I wrote right after the accident, click here. To learn more about water safety, check out this post.
You know how sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you’re kind of blindsided, where you see something or you hear something and you don’t know what to say or do in the moment? And then afterwards, you think of all the things you wish you said?
That happens to me a lot. I’m not confrontational. I’m a people pleaser. I don’t want people to be unhappy or uncomfortable and have me be at the root of it all. I once joked that if my life were a Sara Bareilles song, it would be, “Say what you want to say…in an email…and then live in panic while you wait for them to respond and wish that you never said anything…” If I hate my meal at a restaurant, I will probably not say anything. If you hurt my feelings, I probably won’t tell you. I’m a terrible delegator because I don’t want to ask anyone to do a job I would hate to do. I would pretty much make the worst boss ever.
I’ve thought for a long time, a long, long time about writing this. I’ve put it off because it gives me anxiety, because I don’t feel like I’m ready, and then I write a Scoop post about fonts or something. But it keeps kind of resurfacing in my brain, consuming my thoughts, until I do something about it. So I’m doing something about it. And, to be honest, I feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach about it.
You know how everybody has their thing? You’ve got your car seat safety friends and you’ve got your Internet safety friends and you’ve got your bike helmet friends and you’ve got your screentime-is-evil friends, and sometimes you have all of them rolled into one person. Well, guys, I’m your water safety friend.
I shared the story of my son’s near drowning in October of 2012 here. Even though I posted right after the accident, I don’t regret it. Sharing was therapeutic, and the many, many words of kindness, most of which I never responded to, mean the world to me. So if I never thanked you personally, I’m so sorry.
But I was in a very raw place. I couldn’t say things the way I think they need to be said because I couldn’t say those words.
Grief is a funny thing. Even though we didn’t lose him, we came awfully close and I went to a really dark place. I don’t think that made sense to most people, even myself, because he was okay. It was like it happened and then it was over, but it wasn’t really over, you know? I spent a lot of time on the internet googling drowning. What happens. How long does it take. I call it grief porn, because even though I knew it was something that was exploiting my emotions and probably not good for me, I felt drawn to experiencing and re-experiencing all those emotions until I was tapped out.
I became angry, not really at anyone or anything, just intensely, rage-fully angry. It was like that was the only emotion my mind could process, so I did it at full-throttle.
I stopped feeling anything (besides anger) for a good year. In a desperate attempt to feel something, I watched Toy Story 3, which sent me over the edge for a good three weeks when it came out in theaters, and I left shrugging my shoulders.
I became convinced, completely neurotic, that something bad was going to happen, particularly to my youngest. Every time I put him down for a nap or left him with a babysitter, every time we got in the car, I thought that was it. I became totally and completely (and irrationally) paralyzed with fear. I seriously bathed him in a baby bather until he was 9 months old and practically walking out of it.
Finally realizing I needed help, I went to a counselor, who diagnosed me with PTSD. She was very nice and I liked her a lot, but then Clark started having panic attacks (everyone who told me that it would be way harder on me and that he would bounce right back have never met the most intense child on Earth) and I felt like I needed to focus on him. Whether or not that was the right decision, I’m not sure (actually, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the right decision, but I felt like I only had so much time and so many emotional resources), but we focused on getting him through that rough patch.
So now? We’re mostly good. We all have our moments, and sometimes something as simple as a smell or a song can trigger those overwhelming feelings of anxiety. But we’re good. A very wise social worker in the hospital told us that he absolutely had to get back in the water, not just because it’s a crucial life skill but because if we didn’t, it would be this monster that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
So he’s taken several rounds of swimming lessons and it’s become something that he loves. Usually.
So why am I telling you guys all of this? For a couple of reasons. I want people to know that even though he’s okay, it didn’t come without incredible emotional implications like guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, and isolation. I want people to know that things could have very easily gone in another direction, that we were exceptionally blessed/lucky/whatever, and that most people who come that close don’t make it, at least not without devastating side effects. I want to talk about what it was like, what it was really like, and I want to say all those things I wish I would have said, in hopes that we can save another family from an experience like ours.
I think most people have seen the “Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning” article. I shared it when I shared Clark’s story before. If you haven’t read it, you really should. If you have read it, it’s worth looking over again.
But.
What about afterwards? Because just as easily, you could say “a drowning rescue doesn’t look like a drowning rescue.” Sara and I have both said that if more people had seen what it is actually like, they would be infinitely more cautious with their kids around water.
If you guys watch Mad Men, you might remember a scene in the most recent season where Don is at a party and is partaking of late-1960’s-ish substances that he shouldn’t be. In a hallucination, he walks up to the side of the pool and sees himself floating face-down with his arms extended. Then someone jumps in and rescues him and pulls him out of the water and although things clearly are not good, his coloring is Jon Hamm-ish beautiful and they lay him at the side of the pool and smack him a few times and he coughs up some water and then puts on a robe and goes and sits in a chair.
That’s not how it happens.
When my daughter told me that Clark was under the water, I asked her if he was playing or if he was in trouble and she told me she thought he was in trouble. When we turned around, he was on the floor of the pool, face-down, with his arms extended, just like you see in pictures. It still haunts me.
At the side of the pool, Clark was purple, from his nose all the way down through his chest. Once Sara’s husband resuscitated him, he didn’t just expel pool water. There were a lot of hysterical, extreme emotions, not just from us, but from many in the pool area, whether or not they knew us. It was ugly, it was intense and terrifying and messy and nothing like TV or movies.
- Drowning is the #1 killer for kids between 1-4, #2 behind car accidents for kids between 5-9, and #3 behind car accidents and suicide (!) for kids between 10-14.
- Drowning is silent and generally involves very little motion because the body is thrown into survival mode. No yelling or splashing or thrashing.
- Slipping under the water can happen in just a few seconds. The body loses consciousness without oxygen in 1-2 minutes, sometimes sooner depending on how hard the person was exerting themselves.
- Small children can drown in an inch of water.
- Even kids who have been good swimmers in controlled environments (like Clark) can panic when things suddenly don’t go as planned.
When Clark slipped under the water, I was looking up directions on a map on my phone. I got sidetracked by a funny text. Wanna know how long that took me? I timed myself. About a minute. So I timed myself doing other stuff. Going to the bathroom? 3 minutes. Making my bed? 3 minutes. Unloading the dishwasher? 7 minutes. Watching a kid swim across the pool and back? 2 minutes. Reading and answering a simple email? 4 minutes. Talking to my sister on the phone? 12 minutes. Comforting my daughter who got confused about sleepover dates? 5 minutes. Then try holding your breath and you’ll see how desperately quick that time goes by.
I have a dear friend who lost her son to drowning and she compares kids and water to kids and heavy equipment like chainsaws–you would never, ever take your eyes off your kids around stuff like that, and you never can with water.
Last summer, on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, I saw all sorts of stuff pop up about pools and lakes and water and I wished I’d had the guts at the time to say something, but I didn’t. Not to make anyone feel bad; I truly don’t want anyone to feel bad or like I’m judging them because I’m not; I just want people to think, really think, about how dangerous the water can be (along with being fun and necessary, which is part of why drowning is such a prevalent problem). If our experience can prevent this from happening again even once, I’ll take it.
- I wish I’d said that arm floaties, noodles, air rafts, and anything other than an actual US Coast Guard-approved life jacket are not safe and create a false sense of security. Unless kids are great swimmers and are just using them for fun, these things shouldn’t be used.
- I wish, when people said they sent their younger kids to the pool with their 12-year-old that they would realize that a 12-year-old isn’t physically or emotionally capable of caring for many small children near the water.
- I wish I had said that lifeguards are there to administer emergency assistance and not to babysit.
- I cringe when I see pictures of adorable summer toes and a great summer book and a refreshing summer drink while kids play in the pool without their parents.
- I cringe when people talk about singlehandedly bringing their 5 kids and someone else’s brood to the pool by themselves. You’ve got two eyes that point in the same direction and two arms; until some of those kids are old enough to pass a life-saving course, there are not nearly enough people there.
- I am totally uncomfortable with summer day camps for younger kids that involve swimming as an activity (I’m not talking about swimming camps where kids are learning swimming skills, but just where they go play in the pool. There was a drowning like this in my area a few years back with a teenager who was not a strong swimmer.)
- If I could go back and tell my pre-near-drowning self something, it would be to ask what the heck I was doing holding a three-month-old baby with my feet in the water while my kids swam in the pool. What would I have done if no one else had been there? My sheer presence would not have saved anyone. Where would I have put the baby? What would I have actually done?
- I’m not afraid to say that unless it was a one-on-one swimming lesson, I am not at a point where I am comfortable with any of my kids being in the water without me being right there.
I ask that you decide to comment to keep things nice. I’m not writing this from a mean or judgy place, I’m writing it from the most tender recesses of my heart. Likewise, if you have something mean to say to me about our experience, even though it’s been a year and a half, it will still hurt and I will still probably delete it, not to be an evil censoring overlord or to have you only say nice things to me to make me feel better about myself but just, well, because.
But first and foremost, as we get closer to summer, as you guys start your family vacations and beach trips and lake trips and pool parties, I hope you guys will take this to heart. I hope you’ll stand up and be vocal when you see people being unsafe near water. I hope you’ll take charge and designate someone to watch the pool at a party if it hasn’t been done. I hope you’ll get in the water with your kids, regardless about how you feel about yourself in a bathing suit or how tired you are. If you can’t give 100% for whatever reason, save the pool for another day. I hope you’ll teach your kids these things so when you aren’t there, they’ll know, too.
I love you guys. I really do. I feel like so many of you are my friends, so thank you for all your continued love and support. Here’s to a fun, happy, and safe spring and summer!
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Thank you for your faith and courage in sharing your personal and tender thoughts and feelings with us. I have been trying to say these things for years and most parents say that I am being over protective. I would rather be over protective than have an injured child or worse. So I will continue to speak up for my and other children, even teenagers and some adults who can also be vulnerable. I am thankful to your for putting your thoughts, fears, and feelings out for the world to read and I will be sharing this so others can be kept safe, too. Thank you!
Last summer I took my daughter to an end-of-the-summer pool bash at a family’s house from church. There were several (young) kids in the pool, but somehow all of the women were inside the house and all of them men were hanging out on the patio by the pool. There was no way I was leaving my 5 year old, so I stayed out and watched as she played in the water. Another little girl, also 5, stepped off the edge and into the deep part of the pool over her head. Ten seconds later I was submerged myself, pulling her out of the water. She couldn’t swim, and I still am horrified to think that she could have drowned that day. Like yourself, I was ASTONISHED at how different it was than what I would have expected. Fast. Silent. No noise or thrashing. And I was the ONLY one who saw it, even though there were at least 8 other adults out there. And I cam so grateful that it didn’t end badly. So I applaud you, because having that happen to your child is crazy scary, and it would be absurd to think that it wouldn’t change you in deeply profound ways. I pray that you and your family continue to heal.
I worked for about 6 years as a lifeguard, in high school and college, and also as a water safety instructor (swim teacher). I can’t count the number of times kids were pulled out of the pool – even broke my heel once jumping in to pull out twins who were struggling in deep water and an older sister who had gone in to help and then all three had sunk to the bottom. Crowded, noisy, and NO ONE else saw what was going on. I remember it – clear as day – to this day still. I remember most of the saves. They are traumatic – even for the lifeguards who aren’t related to those kids. Because of the stuff I saw, and knowing how easy it is for a kid to get into trouble without any warning, I am freakishly paranoid to have my kids around water. I grew up with a backyard pool – I LOVE to swim. But my 2yr old brother fell in and nearly died (they were able to resuscitate him) when I was about 7, and my own 4 yr old daughter went under DURING SWIMMING LESSONS, with an instructor AND a lifeguard within 6 feet of her, and neither noticed. (Truly one of the scariest experiences I have ever had.)
Please, you cannot be too cautious when it comes to water safety and kids! Drowning happens in seconds. It’s silent. 99% of the time there’s no splashing, no hollering, no yelling. There are usually no warning signs. It is fast, and silent, and deadly. And it honestly is one of the most frightening and traumatic things for anyone to have to go through, especially a parent.
Ever since I read your post I can’t quit thinking about what you and your family have gone through. Please know how sharing your story and baring your soul on what happened has helped so many of us to remember to never get completely comfortable with water activities. I’m so thankful you wrote it, a much needed reminder and eyeful of what can happen and you mentioning to teach our children about this I am so grateful you mentioned, I honestly have never thought about that. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Keeping your family in my prayers!
I freaking love you! I am a stickler about water safety and often get judged for it, I am sure. But who cares? I would rather be too over worried about it anyway. Thanks for this AND the original post. And I am glad to hear you are doing better!
Wonderful post. I used to be a lifeguard, and I missed my first rescue because at 15 I didn’t *really* know what I was looking for. It was a toddler in a splash pool, and her mother got her in time. She was shaken, the mother was shaken, and I was so terrified that I couldn’t go back to work the rest of the summer without getting nauseous before. My pool had 25 other rescues that summer. Eventually I gained the confidence to tell parents about the dangers before anyone even got in the water, but I was shy, and it took a long time to get there. I think people take for granted that the pool is supposed to be a fun and relaxed environment, but I still can’t go to a pool and relax when I know their are children not being supervised appropriately. I’m on edge the entire time. Water safety is of the utmost importance, and a friendly reminder is always welcome. My only criticism is that NO life vest substitutes for supervision. Coast guard approved are for EMERGENCY use only, and while they will stay on and keep you afloat, for a weak swimmer it can hold them face down in the water. My pool had a no floatie policy for this reason, and while it led to many an argument with parents – it was the best rule on the books. Swim safe <3
Thanks for sharing this! It is so important. I’m one of those car-seat people. 🙂 As I’m planning for this summer with my first child, who is just 14 months old, I’m thinking so much and making lots of decisions about water and may become a water-safety person, too. Other people (like her aunts and grandparents) are especially casual about safety, I’ve found. It’s been hard to learn to put my foot down about safety in response to these family members who love her so well. I’m still using her baby bathtub in its toddler position because I’m not at all comfortable with her being in the big, slippery tub. I’m researching USCG approved devices for the pool and beach. Where I used to think that those made kids “too dependent,” I’ve changed my mind.
This post totally made my heart hurt for you guys and had me in tears. But THANK YOU for writing it. I can’t imagine the pain you have gone through with this. Sounds absolutely miserable. :(( We need to be reminded of this again and again-because in our day to day lives, we can get overly ‘comfortable’ with actually quite dangerous situations. Interesting how you and someone else in your comments brought up bath tubs-it reminded me that I’m not as careful with them as I should-no, NEED to be! My guys are still little & like you said it doesn’t take long at all!! Around pools & lakes I’m more shaky be uses my husband lost one of his brothers at 21 to drowning (and he was, strong, athletic & a good swimmer!), but like you’re reminding us, pretty much ANY body of water can be dangerous & you have to be on your guard-even if your kids are good swimmers, or you ‘think’ they’ll be fine. It’s so easy to be naive and think “Oh, that would NEVER happen to me or my family…” and yet it CAN. It can happen to literally anyone. So thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding us all of this!!! I will keep you and your family in my prayers. <3
Thank you so much for sharing. I will definitely be sharing this with our children so that they will watch over their little’s…they are so precious.
Written very eloquently, thanks for all the good advice and so happy to know that your son is doing well!
Thank you so much for sharing such tender feelings. My brother is a fireman and just yesterday, he pulled a 19-month-old girl out of a pool who almost drowned – she’s the same age as his son. He wrote on Facebook today, “Remember, children drown without a sound.” My parents have a pool at their house and while kids are not allowed to swim without an adult, there are times that the adults aren’t watching closely. Needless to say, my mom and I discussed tonight some changes we’ll be making this summer when it comes to pool time. Thank you again for courageously opening your heart to us!
Good for you for posting this. Who cares what others think and if you are judgy. You may save someone’s life with your words. Glad your little one is ok.
Thank you for this! I am a mother of five children and taking all five to a pool is nerve racking! Even though my two older kids are teen agers, i am still counting. 1-2-3-4-5….1-2-3-4-5….. Ugh! Not a relaxing day for me. I always get into the pool with my kids. However, that is not always 100 percent safe either. I am also LDS and we believe that we receive promptings from the Holy Ghost. I was at the Lehi pool with my kids one day. I was sitting in the kiddie pool with my three youngest. When my 18 month old ran behind a big rock slide to where I could not see her. I immediately got nervous. Ready to jump up I sat still thinking,”she will come back around.” When all of a sudden I heard a very loud voice in my head firmly say, “Get up!” It did not come from me…. I know in my heart it was the spirit. I jumped up just in time to see her run from the kiddie pool and jump into the lazy river. Within seconds I was in the lazy river pulling her up. It happened so quick I really didn’t have time to think. As I pulled her out of the water I looked up at a life guard that was standing right there with her back to us. She turned around and immediately realized what had just happened. She apologized for not seeing what was going on. Shaken and almost in tears I took my baby back to the kiddie pool where she kept playing like nothing had happened. My point is this. You cant live your life thinking it wont happen to you. Be cautious…very cautious. Be safe and aware. You sometimes only have a second to react. Don’t ignore your motherly instincts. You are that child’s mother. You are here to protect, nurture, and raise them. You know them better than anyone and you know whats best for them.
I wish you didn’t feel like you have to apologize, but I get it. Good for you for posting it! Here’s another “something” people can do: When you visit a pediatrician for the first time, he or she will almost always ask a bunch of safety-behavior questions: Do you have guns? Do you use seatbelts/safety seats? Given the stats, they should also ask: Do you have a pool? Do you watch your children diligently around water? I lectured my pediatrician for ignoring the stats on drowning. WAY more people take their kids swimming than have guns in the home that children can access.
I have not been through a tragedy like this, but I have been through others. There is such a complicated balance you try to manage between how you SHOULD react, look and feel, how you THINK you look, react and feel and how you REALLY look, react and feel. All of things change constantly and are anything but stagnant. Thank you for having the courage to write about this again – and tell the story differently. My own tragedy has been nearly 10 years and I’m still trying to decide what my story is about it… I am so happy for you that you have your babies with you. They are the most precious thing in the world (I have three of my own!) Thanks for writing with candor and advice… and without fear. Wishing you the best.
Bless you and yours with all you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing the hard stuff. It is not in vain. I know I myself am reminded to watch mine closely as we prepare for swimming season.
Thank you so much, Kate, for sharing this. I cringe when I think of taking my four kids to the pool alone last summer. This year they will have their vests on unless they are one on one practicing with an adult. Thanks very much.
Thanks so much for writing this. I just sent it and the article you referenced to my son, who has a 23 month old, a new baby on the way, and they are at his in-laws, who have a backyard pool. We are arranging to meet to teach our precious granddaughter how to swim. She will know within a few days how to be safe in the water. My Hubs is a great swimming instructor who has taught thousands of infants and toddlers water safety classes. They can be taught to get themselves to safety in a pool. I nearly drowned as a 9 year old, and again at 15 when I was run over by a boat and terribly injured. At 15, however, I had become an expert swimmer and was able to save myself. I saved my 3 year old niece who slipped underwater into a lake unnoticed and I was right next to her, and she didn’t move at all underwater. She was not injured. It truly does not look like anything you have seen on TV or movies. No matter the age of your child, find those water safety classes. Do it this summer, without fail. If you live near a body of water, start looking for classes now. My oldest son once had a girlfriend who lost her daughter in a lake when the child was supposed to be napping and mom was on the phone. She slipped out of the house unseen and drowned while going in the water after a duck. Here in Florida, there are always tragedies in backyard pools every year. Kate, I’m so glad you have recovered from your ordeal. No parent should have to experience what you did, but thank you for bringing this to the attention of so many.
Thank you for sharing. I needed this reminder. I am now rethinking some of my summer plans with my boys. I am thinking I will have to hire a mothers helper to come to the pool with us this summer because I can’t safely watch and help 3 boys at the same time.
Thanks for sharing! I’m not usually one to comment on a blog. Don’t be hard on yourself. I was a near drowning victim in my uncle’s pool when I was 5…and when I read about what you have gone through, I feel bad for my Mom. It was good to get your son back into the water because I took a long time to learn to swim, but I did! Thanks for all the information about water safety.
Kate, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. Thank you for the reminder about water safety. I know more parents (myself included) will be more fastidious this summer with our kids around water.
I appreciated this! Last year my son just turned 3, the minimum age for swim lessons by himself at the city pool. It worked out because I had a 3 month old as well and couldn’t do Tue mommy and me classes with him. On the second day, the kids were playing a pool game and my son, smaller than the others, was bumped, became off balanced, and slipped under water. Being smaller, he couldn’t get his balance and upright himself. The instructors were clueless and didn’t see him. I watched him like a hawk anyway and noticed. I panicked, ran to the end of the pool and yelled his name with my baby in my arms. I was close to jumping in but an awesome mother saw my plight and rushed over and smartly yelled child under water. I couldn’t get anything out but my sons name which didn’t alert the instructors fast enough. My 3 year old sat the rest of the lesson out. He knew what happened bit eventually we did get him back in. He still brings it up and we talk about it and plan on getting him in lessons again. But I too send a warning to parents just sitting there reading their books or dropping off their kids and leaving the lessons expecting their children to be 100% watched. Things can happen there as well.
Anyone who has ever pulled their child off of the bottom of a pool is changed forever. I don’t think I’ll ever stop having nightmares about it. Thank you for sharing this with so many moms/parents. Thank you for being brave. This is an important message that we all need to hear over and over again.
I am so sorry that this happened to you, I know that near drowning experiences can be life changing. I do want to say that it sounds like you still have a long way to go with therapy until you are ok with this event. I urge you to work on it, as your fears can easily become your children’s fears. I have taught swimming lessons for many years, and have had a number of children who are afraid of the water not because they cannot swim, but because their mom or dad fears the water. Being right there in the pool with them is a wonderful, responsible thing to do, but what will you do when they are 13, 14 and getting invited to pool parties? Children not only need to learn to swim proficiently, but need to learn to be confident that they can stay safe and know what to do in an emergency. Finally swimming can be a wonderful sport, many of my lifelong friend have come from swim meets, and I would hate for your children to miss out on swim team or any other water sport because of a long ago accident. You are doing such a brave thing talking about this incident and it sounds like you are really working to get over your fears. This is not meant as a criticism at all, and I hope you dont take it that way, just another point of view that I hope makes you consider things from a different perspective.
I just wanted to add one more thing, because I see a lot of talk of lifejackets. They are great, but they shouldn’t be used as a replacement for swimming lessons, and kids need to understand that they do not float without them. It seems so obvious to us adults, but a kid who has always worn a lifejacket and therefore always floated might not make the connection. I had a lot of kids in my swimming lessons just let go of the wall because they were impatient and thought they could just float over to that toy on the other wall.
I came across your website from a blog I read in which her daughter drowned. I just wanted to THANK YOU for what you’d said in this post. It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I am expecting another child early summer and had actually planned on watching from the side with the newborn while my other kids swam. Two things you said spoke right to me and I’ve decided not to do that. I will definitely change my plans so that they will all be safe. Thank you very much. I am glad I was led to this post.
Thank you for having the courage to write this. I read the “Drowning doesn’t look like drowning” article and learned I had NO IDEA what drowning actually can look like. I’ve shared this info with many other people who, like me, thought drowning looks like flailing arms, yelling, etc. You may never know how many people you ultimately save with this experience and your good intentions in sharing with us, but I am so grateful that you did!
Love this! After years of lifeguarding and teaching swimming lessons, I couldn’t agree more with what you said, especially the part about arm floaties not being safe. I have seen those floaties slip right off kids arms more than once. Thank you for sharing this and hopefully helping a lot of people.
Thank you for sharing this. I definitely have room to improve when watching my little kids at the pool. We will be having safer pool time this Summer.
Thank you! It’s wonderful that you use your ability to reach a wide audience that you have gained thru being an awesome cook to make the world a better place. Thanks!