This is the second in a series of posts about water safety. To read the post I wrote right after the accident, click here. To learn more about water safety, check out this post.
You know how sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you’re kind of blindsided, where you see something or you hear something and you don’t know what to say or do in the moment? And then afterwards, you think of all the things you wish you said?
That happens to me a lot. I’m not confrontational. I’m a people pleaser. I don’t want people to be unhappy or uncomfortable and have me be at the root of it all. I once joked that if my life were a Sara Bareilles song, it would be, “Say what you want to say…in an email…and then live in panic while you wait for them to respond and wish that you never said anything…” If I hate my meal at a restaurant, I will probably not say anything. If you hurt my feelings, I probably won’t tell you. I’m a terrible delegator because I don’t want to ask anyone to do a job I would hate to do. I would pretty much make the worst boss ever.
I’ve thought for a long time, a long, long time about writing this. I’ve put it off because it gives me anxiety, because I don’t feel like I’m ready, and then I write a Scoop post about fonts or something. But it keeps kind of resurfacing in my brain, consuming my thoughts, until I do something about it. So I’m doing something about it. And, to be honest, I feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach about it.
You know how everybody has their thing? You’ve got your car seat safety friends and you’ve got your Internet safety friends and you’ve got your bike helmet friends and you’ve got your screentime-is-evil friends, and sometimes you have all of them rolled into one person. Well, guys, I’m your water safety friend.
I shared the story of my son’s near drowning in October of 2012 here. Even though I posted right after the accident, I don’t regret it. Sharing was therapeutic, and the many, many words of kindness, most of which I never responded to, mean the world to me. So if I never thanked you personally, I’m so sorry.
But I was in a very raw place. I couldn’t say things the way I think they need to be said because I couldn’t say those words.
Grief is a funny thing. Even though we didn’t lose him, we came awfully close and I went to a really dark place. I don’t think that made sense to most people, even myself, because he was okay. It was like it happened and then it was over, but it wasn’t really over, you know? I spent a lot of time on the internet googling drowning. What happens. How long does it take. I call it grief porn, because even though I knew it was something that was exploiting my emotions and probably not good for me, I felt drawn to experiencing and re-experiencing all those emotions until I was tapped out.
I became angry, not really at anyone or anything, just intensely, rage-fully angry. It was like that was the only emotion my mind could process, so I did it at full-throttle.
I stopped feeling anything (besides anger) for a good year. In a desperate attempt to feel something, I watched Toy Story 3, which sent me over the edge for a good three weeks when it came out in theaters, and I left shrugging my shoulders.
I became convinced, completely neurotic, that something bad was going to happen, particularly to my youngest. Every time I put him down for a nap or left him with a babysitter, every time we got in the car, I thought that was it. I became totally and completely (and irrationally) paralyzed with fear. I seriously bathed him in a baby bather until he was 9 months old and practically walking out of it.
Finally realizing I needed help, I went to a counselor, who diagnosed me with PTSD. She was very nice and I liked her a lot, but then Clark started having panic attacks (everyone who told me that it would be way harder on me and that he would bounce right back have never met the most intense child on Earth) and I felt like I needed to focus on him. Whether or not that was the right decision, I’m not sure (actually, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the right decision, but I felt like I only had so much time and so many emotional resources), but we focused on getting him through that rough patch.
So now? We’re mostly good. We all have our moments, and sometimes something as simple as a smell or a song can trigger those overwhelming feelings of anxiety. But we’re good. A very wise social worker in the hospital told us that he absolutely had to get back in the water, not just because it’s a crucial life skill but because if we didn’t, it would be this monster that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
So he’s taken several rounds of swimming lessons and it’s become something that he loves. Usually.
So why am I telling you guys all of this? For a couple of reasons. I want people to know that even though he’s okay, it didn’t come without incredible emotional implications like guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, and isolation. I want people to know that things could have very easily gone in another direction, that we were exceptionally blessed/lucky/whatever, and that most people who come that close don’t make it, at least not without devastating side effects. I want to talk about what it was like, what it was really like, and I want to say all those things I wish I would have said, in hopes that we can save another family from an experience like ours.
I think most people have seen the “Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning” article. I shared it when I shared Clark’s story before. If you haven’t read it, you really should. If you have read it, it’s worth looking over again.
But.
What about afterwards? Because just as easily, you could say “a drowning rescue doesn’t look like a drowning rescue.” Sara and I have both said that if more people had seen what it is actually like, they would be infinitely more cautious with their kids around water.
If you guys watch Mad Men, you might remember a scene in the most recent season where Don is at a party and is partaking of late-1960’s-ish substances that he shouldn’t be. In a hallucination, he walks up to the side of the pool and sees himself floating face-down with his arms extended. Then someone jumps in and rescues him and pulls him out of the water and although things clearly are not good, his coloring is Jon Hamm-ish beautiful and they lay him at the side of the pool and smack him a few times and he coughs up some water and then puts on a robe and goes and sits in a chair.
That’s not how it happens.
When my daughter told me that Clark was under the water, I asked her if he was playing or if he was in trouble and she told me she thought he was in trouble. When we turned around, he was on the floor of the pool, face-down, with his arms extended, just like you see in pictures. It still haunts me.
At the side of the pool, Clark was purple, from his nose all the way down through his chest. Once Sara’s husband resuscitated him, he didn’t just expel pool water. There were a lot of hysterical, extreme emotions, not just from us, but from many in the pool area, whether or not they knew us. It was ugly, it was intense and terrifying and messy and nothing like TV or movies.
- Drowning is the #1 killer for kids between 1-4, #2 behind car accidents for kids between 5-9, and #3 behind car accidents and suicide (!) for kids between 10-14.
- Drowning is silent and generally involves very little motion because the body is thrown into survival mode. No yelling or splashing or thrashing.
- Slipping under the water can happen in just a few seconds. The body loses consciousness without oxygen in 1-2 minutes, sometimes sooner depending on how hard the person was exerting themselves.
- Small children can drown in an inch of water.
- Even kids who have been good swimmers in controlled environments (like Clark) can panic when things suddenly don’t go as planned.
When Clark slipped under the water, I was looking up directions on a map on my phone. I got sidetracked by a funny text. Wanna know how long that took me? I timed myself. About a minute. So I timed myself doing other stuff. Going to the bathroom? 3 minutes. Making my bed? 3 minutes. Unloading the dishwasher? 7 minutes. Watching a kid swim across the pool and back? 2 minutes. Reading and answering a simple email? 4 minutes. Talking to my sister on the phone? 12 minutes. Comforting my daughter who got confused about sleepover dates? 5 minutes. Then try holding your breath and you’ll see how desperately quick that time goes by.
I have a dear friend who lost her son to drowning and she compares kids and water to kids and heavy equipment like chainsaws–you would never, ever take your eyes off your kids around stuff like that, and you never can with water.
Last summer, on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, I saw all sorts of stuff pop up about pools and lakes and water and I wished I’d had the guts at the time to say something, but I didn’t. Not to make anyone feel bad; I truly don’t want anyone to feel bad or like I’m judging them because I’m not; I just want people to think, really think, about how dangerous the water can be (along with being fun and necessary, which is part of why drowning is such a prevalent problem). If our experience can prevent this from happening again even once, I’ll take it.
- I wish I’d said that arm floaties, noodles, air rafts, and anything other than an actual US Coast Guard-approved life jacket are not safe and create a false sense of security. Unless kids are great swimmers and are just using them for fun, these things shouldn’t be used.
- I wish, when people said they sent their younger kids to the pool with their 12-year-old that they would realize that a 12-year-old isn’t physically or emotionally capable of caring for many small children near the water.
- I wish I had said that lifeguards are there to administer emergency assistance and not to babysit.
- I cringe when I see pictures of adorable summer toes and a great summer book and a refreshing summer drink while kids play in the pool without their parents.
- I cringe when people talk about singlehandedly bringing their 5 kids and someone else’s brood to the pool by themselves. You’ve got two eyes that point in the same direction and two arms; until some of those kids are old enough to pass a life-saving course, there are not nearly enough people there.
- I am totally uncomfortable with summer day camps for younger kids that involve swimming as an activity (I’m not talking about swimming camps where kids are learning swimming skills, but just where they go play in the pool. There was a drowning like this in my area a few years back with a teenager who was not a strong swimmer.)
- If I could go back and tell my pre-near-drowning self something, it would be to ask what the heck I was doing holding a three-month-old baby with my feet in the water while my kids swam in the pool. What would I have done if no one else had been there? My sheer presence would not have saved anyone. Where would I have put the baby? What would I have actually done?
- I’m not afraid to say that unless it was a one-on-one swimming lesson, I am not at a point where I am comfortable with any of my kids being in the water without me being right there.
I ask that you decide to comment to keep things nice. I’m not writing this from a mean or judgy place, I’m writing it from the most tender recesses of my heart. Likewise, if you have something mean to say to me about our experience, even though it’s been a year and a half, it will still hurt and I will still probably delete it, not to be an evil censoring overlord or to have you only say nice things to me to make me feel better about myself but just, well, because.
But first and foremost, as we get closer to summer, as you guys start your family vacations and beach trips and lake trips and pool parties, I hope you guys will take this to heart. I hope you’ll stand up and be vocal when you see people being unsafe near water. I hope you’ll take charge and designate someone to watch the pool at a party if it hasn’t been done. I hope you’ll get in the water with your kids, regardless about how you feel about yourself in a bathing suit or how tired you are. If you can’t give 100% for whatever reason, save the pool for another day. I hope you’ll teach your kids these things so when you aren’t there, they’ll know, too.
I love you guys. I really do. I feel like so many of you are my friends, so thank you for all your continued love and support. Here’s to a fun, happy, and safe spring and summer!
Questions & Reviews
Thank you. I could totally relate to your comments about being diagnosed with PTS. I too experienced this for the first time in my life {I am 49 this year}….I realized I couldn’t feel anything but anger for months after being hit by a truck {I was the pedestrian} and almost lost my life, but for surely my quality of life for a time. It will be 1 year ago on May 2nd. I finally got help also….and life looks so much better. Thank you for your thoughts…..and for sharing. It’s funny { I am sure there is a better word here…but can’t think of it right now} how once a traumatic experience happens……all we have is the desire to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. It’s all I could do for months afterwards: Share and Warn. Thank you for your warnings. It DOES help someone. You just never know who.
Thank you for sharing. I am committing to leave all distractions at home. No phone…no books…just me watching the kids. Tha
Thanks for this great info. I take my kids to our gym where they have a life guard on duty, and I let my 8 and 10 year old boys (both good swimmers) go swimming with out me there – the club policy is that they be at least 6, but I don’t let my kids until they are 8. Am I being too naive? I’m just asking for your opinion here. Is it still not safe for them, even with a life guard on duty?
Kate- Thank you! I feel like I’m a fairly water-wise, conscientious parent. However… I have three kids- the boys are 8 and 11 and my baby girl will be 7 months old when summer starts. In thinking about summer time, I fully imagined taking the three of them to the pool during the day.
My heart and mind was changed when I read this from you: “If I could go back and tell my pre-near-drowning self something, it would be to ask what the heck I was doing holding a three-month-old baby with my feet in the water while my kids swam in the pool. What would I have done if no one else had been there? My sheer presence would not have saved anyone. Where would I have put the baby? What would I have actually done?”
I imagined it in my head. What would I do? Where would I set a 7 month old baby if I needed to help her brother? How would that work?
Thank you! Thank you!
Now, we will plan our pool trips more purposefully. We will wait until the evening to go when my husband can come with us. Or we will invite another mom and talk with her about being water-wise and we will watch our children instead of getting absorbed in conversation.
Thank you for posting this article. I am positive that your message will save lives.
Thank you for sharing your personal story and using it to educate and save lives. Being real and honest can be scary in this format, but it is appreciated! This is a needed reminder as the weather gets warmer.
I experienced part of what you talked about last night. My 5-year old was showing me how far he could walk out into the water and I could tell he was having trouble, but he didn’t flail or say anything. It terrified me to think how easily a drowning could happen without anyone noticing.
Kate – I was 3 years old when my cousin drowned in a canal in front of his rural home. I still remember it… He, his younger brother (18 months) and I were playing in the front yard – as I remember it – alone. I WILL NEVER FORGET IT! I hate water. I hate boating. I hate swimming pools. I am 41 years old – my son had a lacrosse practice at the pool the other night – and I had near panic attack. He’s 16 and a strong swimmer. ((I’m a pill about swimming lessons for my kids. They have to be able to save their own lives in the water since they have no chance counting on me….or we stay away from the water completely!)) You can call it overprotective, crazy, neurotic – whatever! But anyone who can prevent a child/adult from growing up with this special brand of anxiety of water – should! Please don’t apologize for being our “water safety friend”. It’s NOT lost on me.
Thank you so much for this, such great information to remember. I’m especially impressed by your courage in saying the things that you wish you had said. It’s so unfortunate that we can’t be free to say things that we feel strongly about. I’m grateful that you spoke up, and I hope that a lot of people read your words and are a little more careful!
Just an FYI, April is learn to swim month for US Masters Swimming. Please see the link http://www.usms.org/giving/content/learntoswim. “According to the Centers for Disease Control, 37 percent of American adults can’t swim the length of a pool, which puts them at risk of being one of the 10 people who drown every day in the United States. The Swimming Saves Lives Foundation, U.S. Masters Swimming’s charitable arm, has declared the month of April “Adult Learn-to-Swim Month.” That’s when pools, lakes, and beaches are opening up for spring and summer recreation. The governors of Indiana, Nebraska, Washington, Maine, and New Jersey have already issued proclamations in support. If you or a loved one doesn’t know how to swim, contact one of the below resources and get started! Swimming skills can save your life both by preventing drowning, and by providing you with the skills needed to make swimming for fitness part of a long-term healthy lifestyle. If you can’t find adult learn-to-swim lessons in your area, or would like more information, please contact us at [email protected]
For learn-to-swim lessons for CHILDREN, contact the USA Swimming Foundation’s Make a Splash program.”
Please take advantage of this. No one should have these experiences.
Victoria
This is such an important topic! I live in Texas, and while we don’t have a pool, they are everywhere and swimming lessons are a huge priority for my kids.
Can I share a recommendation? Last year I came across Infant Swimming Resources (http://www.infantswim.com/). They teach children from 6 months to 6 years water rescue techniques (quite different from average swimming lessons). I signed up my 2 year old and he learned how to float if he fell in, and also how to swim to the side of the pool, taking breaks to float when he needed a breath. The last week of lessons he practiced floating and swimming while fully clothed, down to the shoes. He cried sometimes, but I feel so much better knowing that he can help himself if an accident happens. It is a national organization with instructors across the country. I already signed him up for a refresher course this summer.
It is about this time of year I get super anxious too. My 18 month was climbing up the ladder and I was right behind her and she slipped. She sunk to the bottom of the pool in 2 seconds. I grabbed her immediately. This still haunts me. My kids will always wear bright colored swimsuits and will always have coast guard approved life vests! I have used floaties in the past, but when I had to keep blowing them up throughout the day I took that as a sign. What if it deflated while one of my kids were swimming. They would drown. I almost drowned when I was a kid and I still have issues with my face being in the water. My mom turned her back for a second at the lake. Thankfully my sister was watching. I hope you and your son and will heal! And what a blessing I am sure you have been to others as they read your story and concerns, don’t apologize for them! You are saving lives and we should be grateful for your words.
How scary, I’m so glad your daughter was okay! Thanks for sharing the bright colored swim suits tip! That’s one I hadn’t heard before, but totally makes sense!
Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. It is a great reminder to me that even though my 10 and 6 year old are good enough swimmers to swim competitively they still need to watched like hawks. Swimming alone in a lane or with others at practice is not the same as playing in the pool when unpredictable things can happen. When my oldest was about 7 I was sitting poolside chatting with other moms…the kids had been playing for hours and the watching closely became less and less and the kids became comfortable and the moms were chatting more. One of the younger kids in the pool grabbed onto my girl’s back to ride like she does with her dad and pulled my daughter under. Thank God she was close to the edge and grabbed on to pull herself up and yell for me. I don’t know how long she was under, but if she hadn’t gotten herself up and yelled I wouldn’t have seen a thing until it was WAY too late. It happens so fast. I can’t even imagine seeing your child as you had to. I’m so happy he is ok and you are stepping outside of your comfort zone to share.
I am so glad you wrote this, back in my younger days I was a lifeguard . I did that for at least 4 years, and I cant count how many saves I had, and most of them the child was right next to the parent. The parent was just involved in a conversation and not paying full attention. Now being a parent I am so paranoid, and I am sure my kids hate it, but if it just me and them at the pool we all stay together. My oldest does swim team, and I would still never let her go swimming on her own yet. I hope to teach them great water safety, since water is fun, but really so dangerous.
Well said, Kate. I will be sharing this with all of my family as well! Way to speak up!
This is a wonderful post. As a mother of three small children, I could truly feel your pain, urgency and thoughtfulness as I read. Thank you so much for opening up to all of us “strangers” to share this very important message. I am looking up how and where to sign up for CPR classes right now! My two best friends and I have 9 children, under 6, between the three of us, and not one of us are certified in first aid/CPR (I used to be, go figure!). And that scares me to death. I just hope you know how many peoples lives you probably saved by posting this.
I absolutely love that you have chosen to write this post! I am sorry that you had a horrible (that’s not even a strong enough word to describe it) experience that prompted such a post too. That being said, the comments you made in this post regarding arm floaties, etc, absolutely needs to be said more often. I also love that you added the bit about lifeguards are not there to babysit. I was a lifeguard after high school and all the points you made are so important. And honestly, I think if I didn’t have the life-guarding experience, I would more than likely be guilty of some, if not several of these. It is scary and I feel like people are not aware how quickly something can happen, with you sharing what you went through, I think a lot more people will be paying a lot closer attention when any water play is involved. As for the one on one lessons, I am only comfortable with that as well. When my son first started lessons, I thought that I taught that same small group of lessons and he would be fine. But after one swim session like that, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack every lesson until I switched him to private lessons. It was a lot more expensive, but worth every single penny. For a 6 year old, he has incredible swim skills, but not enough for me to walk away or be distracted while he is in the pool. I also think it is important for people to know that just because your kid can swim really well by the end of a summer, that they don’t need lessons ever again. Skills are lost when there is not constant practice and I feel like lessons are important each year. Thank you for sharing these vital safety tips so others can be aware how easily and quickly something can happen.
Your story along with a local boys story (near drowning at a pool on a Disney cruise about a year ago, he’s still in recovery – https://www.facebook.com/ChaseLykken) keeps me on my toes at all times while the kids are in the pool. I think my children think they are invincible but I keep telling them no one is safe and we have to respect water. We share many of the same beliefs and I’m glad you have the strength to post it for all to read. YOU GO GIRL!
I was a lifeguard at a YMCA in high school and all but one of the kids I had to rescue were kids around the age of 5 or 6 holding on to the wall in the shallow end and they simply lost their grip on the wall and panicked.. These are often the kids that adults on the side can’t see because they’re right against the wall. Also, I completely agree with you about camps that have swim time. There is too much space in the pool and not enough eyes watching. Even as a teenager I was very on edge when I had to lifeguard while one of the camps was in the water. And my advice to parents is to spend the extra money and put your child in private swim lessons. You’ll get so much more bang for your buck and it’s much safer. You’d be shocked at how many kids I had to pull out of the water during a group swim lesson. The instructor only has one set of eyes and a group of 6-8 kids!
Thanks for all your insight!
I couldn’t agree more with the private lesson tip! I was a lifeguard as well and all the times I pulled someone out of the pool was during lesson time and it was always a group lesson!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is entirely too scary how easy it is to get lax about water safety. We used to do a yearly Lake Pwoeel trip with my husband’s family and if my baby wasn’t in the pack n’ play she was wearing her life jacket, I was that nervous in the houseboat.
The only thing that I would add is something you mentioned in the original story- get CPR trained. I hope to never have a need to use it, but I am so much more comfortable knowing that I can if I have to. Most hospitals have CPR and first aid classes on a regular basis.
Thanks for sharing. Accidents happen to anyone and so very easily. It’s always important to stay vigilant without being paranoid. It’s not nearly swim weather here yet – we still have ice and snow in the ground. But things are thawing… that means the lakes and ponds aren’t covered in thick ice any more, creeks, streams and ditches are full of water (often rapid moving), and banks are slippery. Remind your kids that water accidents can happen in any season and be aware of where your children are and what they’re doing.
Thank you for sharing!!!! I am learning as I go, but reading stories like yours help me really understand and prepare. I want to thank you for teaching me so much. I feel less anxious at the pool now because I know it isn’t silly to stay right with them and hover around then. I have had to grab a child a couple of times and help them up because the conditions changed and they weren’t prepared. If I hadn’t known from your stories, I would have assumed they were fine instead of struggling.
Thank you so much for posting. The timing was perfect. My husband is a water safety instructor and a lifeguard instructor trainer, as well as manager of a pool during the summer. He is currently being sued because of a near-drowning at a pool where he did training. Not the pool he manages, but another pool. Your words were comforting/encouraging to him. Thank you.
So many good reminders. I’ve spent several summers working at a scout aquatics camp, and I’m constantly counting heads with my classes, even on boats (especially kayaks!) and even with lifejackets. I know they can all swim, because we do swim checks as soon as they get there, but I also know that if I have 12 kids in a class, I also have 12 moms or dads who are trusting me to make sure their kid comes home to them at the end of the week, and that’s the most important part of the job.
I worked as a nanny for several years and I thought it was odd that so many families required me to be CPR/First Aid certified, but most of the parents were not certified themselves. Knowledge is power. CPR saves lives every day.
Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for your wise advice. I hope that this post is also therapeutic for you. It obviously is helping everyone that reads it. I love your website, but I don’t usually comment. This post is different.
My dad was afraid of water and his solution was not to let his kids go swimming ever, at all. This worked until I was 10 and finally talked him into letting me go to a pool with a group of friends. One of my friends convinced me to jumping into the deep end, right by the edge of the pool. Dumb, but she said I would be safe since I was at the edge. She had no idea that when I said I didn’t swim, I really didn’t at all. The lifeguard had to come pull me out, sputtering and coughing. I was embarrassed and scared. I never told my parents, but I stayed in the shallow end for the rest of my teenage years.
When I went to college, the first thing I did was taking a Swimming for NON-Swimmers class. And then I took it again. Eventually I made it to the Beginning class, and then Intermediate. I admit, I am still afraid in water over my head, even as an adult. Those feeling I had as a 10 year old still haunt me. Finally, my husband who is a strong swimmer, taught me how to play in the water. I was comfortable because I was right next to him. Snorkeling is my favorite, because I can enjoy the water without struggling to breath.
I didn’t want our sons to have that terror I experienced, so we made sure they had swimming lessons every year since they were little. We always played in the water as a family, and those are some of the best memories ever.
I love your emphasis on parent vigilance and the comparison to the chainsaw. Swimming lessons alone is not enough. Thanks again for being so open and helping the rest of us.
I watched my son almost drown during an ‘end of swim lesson’ party with the lifeguards who had taught him. The lifeguards were all playing and not watching their students! I called the pool afterwards, but I’m going to call them again this year and tell them how much more careful they need to be! I’m also going to sign up for a CPR class. My kids aren’t taking summer sports so that they have time to take swim lessons instead, which I feel is a more important, life-long skill! Thank you for sharing your heart. I’ve been through anxiety and depression and it’s so so hard and even harder to pull out of. You’re awesome!!!
Thank you for this post. Our new house has a pool and because of you I will be extra vigilant with my little one. I plan on sharing this with anyone who wants to come over and swim as well.
Kate, I KNOW this post will help children around the world. I know it. Awareness is huge. I’m single and rarely go to the pool simply because I see so many kids not being supervised and I can’t relax myself because I’m obsessed with watching other people’s children!
It can happen in an instant and it is major.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story the first time, and now this follow up. My husbands family has a lake cabin. Prior to kids I thought it was this fun place. I am now so terrified to “enjoy” it with our kids (3&1). Neither my husband or I are strong swimmers. This post really gave me some great things to think about.
Thank you also, bc you have I realize that sometimes I am on the other end of the spectrum- teasing or being judgemental when I see people. be “over”protective around water. Thanks for teaching me you can’t be protective or safe ENOUGH around water.