So almost exactly 10 years ago, I shared this recipe for Chicken Pot Pie. To be completely honest, I don’t think I had made it or read that post in the 10 years since I had posted it, I just remembered that a) it was a lot of work, b) I really, really liked it, and c) it reminded me of a time of life that was somehow more simple and more complicated than now. Reading through the post was strange, because it felt so close and so long ago at the same time. My original intention was to post new pictures, clean up irrelevant text, take out some of the more personal stuff that didn’t feel as relevant anymore, and repost it.
Because I know that food bloggers wax poetic and it’s not really in fashion anymore and I think we can all relate to this:
But I stumbled into that post and was taken back to another place and time and I couldn’t change anything. It reminded me of one of my most favorite scenes ever from Mad Men:
For better or worse, this blog has become a journal for Sara and me, little pockets of memories, things I had forgotten, most of them centered around food, which seems to have a strong hold on so many of my memories. Food, recipes, all of it takes me right back to a moment that happened years ago, but feels like moments.
that time when I was a better parent…
One of the things that has struck me as I’ve gone through old posts is my snobbery or judgmental attitudes toward a lot of things–parenting strategies, life choices, prepackaged foods. And then life happened. Kids got older, easier in some ways and harder in others. I did a lot of things I swore I would never do and stopped doing things I always swore I would (like that time I read a 60+ page Dr. Seuss book to my 5-day-old baby when we came home from the hospital. I hadn’t eaten or slept in 5 days, but by golly, my child was going to be a genius.)
Last December, as my dear friend sat in the hospital with her unborn baby’s life hanging in the balance, we had a talk about how the world spends first 20-25 years of your life telling you that the world is your oyster and if you dream it, you can be it/have it/whatever it, and then it starts to wear you down (I actually think the actual terminology I used was “kick you in the crotch.” ????????♀️????????) Student loans for your arts degree come due, miscarriages happen, infertility strikes, kids rebel, young and healthy spouses get sick or pass away, marriages fall apart, your heart gets broken in a lot of different ways. And those hard edges start to soften and you realize life isn’t one size fits all and for heavens sake, if I want to use canned soup or my kid wants to play a game on my phone while we wait for our food in a restaurant, sometimes that’s gonna happen.
what’s worth it
In the Chicken Pot Pie post, I shared a recipe for homemade cream of chicken soup instead of using canned soup, which I prided myself in never using. I touted the virtues of using homemade pie crust and I even roasted my own “fauxtisserie” chicken instead of grabbing an already-roasted chicken for the same price from the grocery store deli. All done in the name of somehow loving my family more, or something. I can tell you exactly why I haven’t made this recipe in 10 years–because I’m NOT DOING ALL THAT. I can remember how much work it was and it wasn’t worth it. But here’s what was worth it.
- When I was pulling the chicken meat from my (store-bought) rotisserie chicken, I remembered a sunny Sunday afternoon when my friend Kami and I sat in my kitchen, pulling chicken from rotisserie chickens for a well-intentioned but short-lived bout of meal prepping.
- My blue pie plate reminded me of Sara and her love of this color and how our lives have intertwined over years of shared recipes, phone calls, text messages, book launches, speaking engagements, hotel stays, laughing, crying, our kids picking right up where they left off every time, and some of the darkest, hardest moments of both of our lives. I don’t know if God is involved in every friendship or detail of my life, but I truly believe that Sara has always been part of my “life plan.”
- Rolling out the top pie crust for the pot pie, I wondered how I should vent it; my go-to has always been a lattice crust, but on a whim, I cut out a heart.
My freshman year of college, my roommate taught me how to make apple pie, the BEST apple pie, and her signature was the heart in the center of the crust. 3 years ago, she passed away from breast cancer, but this pie was a little bit of her (not in a Game of Thrones kind of way, just that I had a fleeting, love-filled memory of someone gone, but not completely.
My freshman year of college, my roommate taught me how to make apple pie, the BEST apple pie, and her signature was the heart in the center of the crust. 3 years ago, she passed away from breast cancer, but this pie was a little bit of her (not in a Game of Thrones kind of way, just that I had a fleeting, love-filled memory of someone gone, but not completely.She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
I don’t normally ruminate quite so much food. Sometimes dinner is just dinner and food is just food. But sometimes it’s more. Apparently Chicken Pot Pie is one of those times.
A couple of years ago, I heard a stunning performance of “She Used to be Mine” from the musical Waitress and it set me down a path I never thought I’d be on.
Some you have picked up on the fact that I’ve been going through some stuff over the last couple of years. I haven’t gone into details or a whole lot of specifics because it’s not entirely my story to tell and it’s also hard to be vulnerable and not feel like a failure. My husband and I separated a couple of years ago. We’re not divorced, and it’s kind of a complicated situation, and I’ve learned a lot. A lot. The word that kept coming into my head was “crucible,” and I didn’t even completely know what it meant other than that it a famous play/the “Crucible Cast Party” SNL skit with Lin-Manuel Miranda. So I looked up the word “crucible” and it means, “a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.” Feels about right. Sometimes I wish it never happened, that I never saw things for what they were, that I never opened my mouth, but, in the infinite wisdom of The Avett Brothers,
There’s no fortune at the end of the road
That has no end
There’s no returning to the spoils
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them
There’s no falling back asleep
Once you’ve wakened from the dream
Now I’m rested and I’m ready and I’m ready to begin.“February Seven”
There’s no going back to how things were. I couldn’t go back. That was a loss in and of itself.
ready to begin
I didn’t make chicken pot pie, a recipe I loved, for 10 years because there was an easy way and a hard way and I chose the hard way because I had this silly notion that if I spent 72 hours in the kitchen, I loved my family more or something. One thing I’ve learned in all of this is there are a million ways to do the right thing. You know how many people have asked my kids if they were c-section babies and then told them they were loved less because they we’re surgically extracted rather than born to a mother who didn’t get an epidural and listened to Enya and had her feet rubbed with essential oils? Absolutely zero people have told them that. Same thing goes for breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diapering vs. disposable diapers, preschool vs. Joy School, daycare vs. stay at home moms. As my kids have gotten older, the situations have gotten more complicated…sometimes I have to make decisions that break their hearts and it kills me. But I hope they remember at the end of the day, I love them more than anything and that I made Chicken Pot Pie for dinner and they have no idea that I used Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup and a couple of store-bought pie crusts.
the crucible
If I’ve ever made you feel “less-than” for anything, whether it’s in life or in the kitchen, I’m sorry. I’ve changed. I’m changing. That crucible thing is real, yo. “Life kicking you in the crotch” (sorry, y’all) has some transformative properties. Let me be the first to tell you that if you are feeding your kids, you’re doing a good job. If you’re getting them to school, you’re doing a good job. On those days when you literally pay your kids money to go to bed, you’re doing a good job. They are more resilient than we give them credit for. You have intrinsic worth that has absolutely ZERO correlation to your success or your family’s success or to the choices that other people make. You are stronger and more resilient than you think. You have not failed. Even (or especially) if you fed your family cereal for dinner when all you wanted to do was crawl in bed.
Love you all.
Questions & Reviews
Thank you for this post. I am not as gifted with words as you are. Just know that I wish I could give you and yours a big hug.
Thank you for making me feel better about taking short cuts in the kitchen. 🙂 Thank you for opening up to all of us; in doing so we have been able to reflect, open our hearts, and heal also. Truth be told I am still trying to unwind some of the things I have told myself for nearly a decade (kids are only as resilient as their parents, or good moms don’t yell, or good moms always give their kids positive energy, or kids are happy if their parents are). I have had to look at my thoughts and try to replace them with better/more true thoughts that serve me better. It is a process. Not an easy one actually. Your words were a timely reminder to me today that we all have intrinsic value that is not conditional upon our kids actions, our successes or mistakes, or anything else.
Thank you. Really, thank you. ❤️
I loved this post – THANK YOU! For years I have enjoyed your recipes. But in this case, your sharing deeply resonated with me.
For two years watching my mom fade to her death, I would not have wished for her another day on earth in her condition. But what brings me to tears every time in this last 10 months without her is whenever I make her recipes. And I will always remember decorating sugar cookies with two little girls who are dear to me and telling them that this was a Christmas tradition in my family. Little Bridgette looked up and said “you were so lucky.” And I was.
Hugs and love, friend. ❤️
Your vulnerability is admirable. Life definitely keeps us humble. And I do make chicken pot pie regularly-with rotisserie chicken and ready made pie crust!
Really enjoyed the honesty and personal touch of this post- thank you.
Okay… to be totally honest, I don’t know if I have ever read an entire blog post all the way through, and I am so glad and blessed that I did. I have always struggled with the dinner thing, but especially lately. I have children that are hardly ever home. Half of my kids quite grown and not around very much for dinner, and my youngest is still in elementary school and really wants a “real dinner” instead of whatever I can heat up for her “because nobody is home.” I know that you have delish and fairly easy recipes, so I popped on her. I am quite nostalgic, and so chicken pot pie (a favorite) and Memories – the title of this post caught my eye. Little did I know that I would actually be crying while reading it. Thank you for being real, honest, and encouraging. Thank you for your help. Thank you for helping me to not feel like a total failure. Love to you and your family. Life can really suck sometimes, huh? We got this!
This is beautiful and freeing. Thank you!!
Wow. I’m in tears. I love this post and I love what you said. And I am so sorry for the trials you are facing, and so impressed by your courage to share your thoughts. I’ve followed our best bites for years. I think ever since your chicken taquito recipe went mega viral (and I’ve literally probably made that 100x since). I have to remind myself all day and every day that I’m doing my best. It’s so easy to compare, but when it comes down to it, if our kids are loved (and they know they are loved) and taken care of that’s all that matters. Not canned soup, packets of seasoning, or store bought vs homemade pie crust ????
Thanks for sharing. It REALLY helps! Everyone has things to deal with and somehow you sharing this helped me feel connected and like I’m not the only one. Sometimes the days are hard and life isn’t turning out even remotely how you imagined it. Sometimes you can’t imagine something new right now, but it will come. Wishing you moments of peace.
I’m so sorry Kate!
I’m having some kind of glitch with comments I think. I’ve posted 3 separate comments and none of them are showing up on the feed- so I’m wondering if its some kind of block. I’ll keep trying on other things and hope I figure it out. I don’t think I’ve posted anything offensive or not appropriate so its a puzzle.
Thank you for being brave and sharing a little bit more with all of us.
Hugs. Right there with ya sister, except in a slightly different circumstance. So. much. pain. But the Lord is faithful and kind; Jesus is the only one who has given me enough strength to keep going.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24 xoxo
This hits close to home. Thank you!
As I read your post I just cried my eyes out. I’ve always looked at you and your sister and “assumed” all is well. I’ve learned over the years everyone is going through “something.” I could go on for hours. My life at 70 is not at all what I thought. Opening up is so important and I appreciate you doing so…………..you know we all love you and are so grateful for all you do
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I love that you shared this ❤️ I think we all can all relate. I have found that choosing to believe people are doing there best has changed so much of how I see the world. And I appreciate more and more every single act of compassion and empathy people show me.
Woman. You are a writer who can also cook. Thank you for sharing all that you did. As I’m going through some similar things right now, I know how difficult it can be to open up to others. I truly wish you the very best.
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This struggle has also been on my heart and mind. I’m re-working and changing everything that I thought I knew for sure as a young mama too. Life is so hard sometimes. Hang in there, and believe there are good things in your future!
I have to add to the hundreds of comments here. You are awesome and you ladies taught me how to cook. I started reading your blog about the time my husband and I got together (10+ years ago) and I have become “the baker” and “the cook” in my family thanks mostly to you and Sara.
On another note, I have a sweet friend who I was talking to about feeling guilty I quit breastfeeding my second child cold turkey at 1 year old (I really disliked nursing and had some nursing aversion and 3 bouts of mastitis with that kid) and she reminded me that a relationship is more than one person and *I* was part of the nursing relationship too. It was profound to me at the time. You are never solely responsible for how a relationship in your life turns out, the other party is responsible for it too. Thank you for reminding me today.
Amazing and so relatable. I love that song from waitress. Thank you for sharing.
My philosophy is that people who can’t keep it real can’t be my friends, so you are the best kind of person in my book. Life sucks a lot of the time, so we have to learn to choose to see and cherish the happy moments and not kill ourselves trying to be perfect. There are enough things to worry about that canned cream soup can’t be one of them.
Cheers to you!
Exactly what both you and Sara have given me as a mom (now a mom of adults) was time with my kiddos when they were few years younger……recipe ideas and efforts that don’t take all day and we’re do-able! Recipes we taught them how to cook with and time spent together cooking and learning instead of me just doing it for them. Seriously your first Best Bites cookbook did this for us and i thank you! I’ll nwver forget my pre-teen saying he’s picking a recipe to make for us and didn’t want help, he picked your chocolate chili and it worked!!!! ????????. Lol. Be strong, love yourself and love your kiddos. Prayers for your family! Thanks for sharing, you’re inspiring for sure!
Everything has been said about the serious, what could I add?
But my goodness such a life hack of paying kids to go to bed is the BEST. I pay the kids $1 for each time they make it to the toilet when they puke, but for those tough nights? BRILLIANT. I had an older mom, one that I thought was very conscientious of healthy eating, show me that she ALWAYS keeps little candy in gum in her purse for bribing. We moms really do need to stick together.
Heck yes girl. I get it . Thank you for this!!
Beautifully said, thanks for the wise words!
You’ve always been one of my very favorite bloggers because you’re talented and created but also REAL. Wishing you and your sweet family the very best.
When my husband asked me for a divorce (although I realize you are separated at this point) my mother gave me her only good advice, ever. She said “Keep your chin up. Your story is not over yet.” Truly, life, after that, has been better for me than I ever dreamed it could be. I wish the same for you!
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I was just thinking the other day how much I’ve missed your ‘’voice” and here it is! This post … ????????????
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You have touched my heart today. Thank you for being real and sharing this post. You don’t know me, but I’ve followed you and Sara since the beginning of your blog, and feel like we are dear friends. I love your sense of humor, your honesty, and YOU! Life is HARD. If anyone says it’s not, they are delusional. ???? Hang in there and keep going. You are in a great position to touch many lives, not just with yummy food, but with your words and experiences. I know you’ve touched mine. ❤️