So almost exactly 10 years ago, I shared this recipe for Chicken Pot Pie. To be completely honest, I don’t think I had made it or read that post in the 10 years since I had posted it, I just remembered that a) it was a lot of work, b) I really, really liked it, and c) it reminded me of a time of life that was somehow more simple and more complicated than now. Reading through the post was strange, because it felt so close and so long ago at the same time. My original intention was to post new pictures, clean up irrelevant text, take out some of the more personal stuff that didn’t feel as relevant anymore, and repost it.
Because I know that food bloggers wax poetic and it’s not really in fashion anymore and I think we can all relate to this:
But I stumbled into that post and was taken back to another place and time and I couldn’t change anything. It reminded me of one of my most favorite scenes ever from Mad Men:
For better or worse, this blog has become a journal for Sara and me, little pockets of memories, things I had forgotten, most of them centered around food, which seems to have a strong hold on so many of my memories. Food, recipes, all of it takes me right back to a moment that happened years ago, but feels like moments.
that time when I was a better parent…
One of the things that has struck me as I’ve gone through old posts is my snobbery or judgmental attitudes toward a lot of things–parenting strategies, life choices, prepackaged foods. And then life happened. Kids got older, easier in some ways and harder in others. I did a lot of things I swore I would never do and stopped doing things I always swore I would (like that time I read a 60+ page Dr. Seuss book to my 5-day-old baby when we came home from the hospital. I hadn’t eaten or slept in 5 days, but by golly, my child was going to be a genius.)
Last December, as my dear friend sat in the hospital with her unborn baby’s life hanging in the balance, we had a talk about how the world spends first 20-25 years of your life telling you that the world is your oyster and if you dream it, you can be it/have it/whatever it, and then it starts to wear you down (I actually think the actual terminology I used was “kick you in the crotch.” ????????♀️????????) Student loans for your arts degree come due, miscarriages happen, infertility strikes, kids rebel, young and healthy spouses get sick or pass away, marriages fall apart, your heart gets broken in a lot of different ways. And those hard edges start to soften and you realize life isn’t one size fits all and for heavens sake, if I want to use canned soup or my kid wants to play a game on my phone while we wait for our food in a restaurant, sometimes that’s gonna happen.
what’s worth it
In the Chicken Pot Pie post, I shared a recipe for homemade cream of chicken soup instead of using canned soup, which I prided myself in never using. I touted the virtues of using homemade pie crust and I even roasted my own “fauxtisserie” chicken instead of grabbing an already-roasted chicken for the same price from the grocery store deli. All done in the name of somehow loving my family more, or something. I can tell you exactly why I haven’t made this recipe in 10 years–because I’m NOT DOING ALL THAT. I can remember how much work it was and it wasn’t worth it. But here’s what was worth it.
- When I was pulling the chicken meat from my (store-bought) rotisserie chicken, I remembered a sunny Sunday afternoon when my friend Kami and I sat in my kitchen, pulling chicken from rotisserie chickens for a well-intentioned but short-lived bout of meal prepping.
- My blue pie plate reminded me of Sara and her love of this color and how our lives have intertwined over years of shared recipes, phone calls, text messages, book launches, speaking engagements, hotel stays, laughing, crying, our kids picking right up where they left off every time, and some of the darkest, hardest moments of both of our lives. I don’t know if God is involved in every friendship or detail of my life, but I truly believe that Sara has always been part of my “life plan.”
- Rolling out the top pie crust for the pot pie, I wondered how I should vent it; my go-to has always been a lattice crust, but on a whim, I cut out a heart. My freshman year of college, my roommate taught me how to make apple pie, the BEST apple pie, and her signature was the heart in the center of the crust. 3 years ago, she passed away from breast cancer, but this pie was a little bit of her (not in a Game of Thrones kind of way, just that I had a fleeting, love-filled memory of someone gone, but not completely.
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
I don’t normally ruminate quite so much food. Sometimes dinner is just dinner and food is just food. But sometimes it’s more. Apparently Chicken Pot Pie is one of those times.
A couple of years ago, I heard a stunning performance of “She Used to be Mine” from the musical Waitress and it set me down a path I never thought I’d be on.
Some you have picked up on the fact that I’ve been going through some stuff over the last couple of years. I haven’t gone into details or a whole lot of specifics because it’s not entirely my story to tell and it’s also hard to be vulnerable and not feel like a failure. My husband and I separated a couple of years ago. We’re not divorced, and it’s kind of a complicated situation, and I’ve learned a lot. A lot. The word that kept coming into my head was “crucible,” and I didn’t even completely know what it meant other than that it a famous play/the “Crucible Cast Party” SNL skit with Lin-Manuel Miranda. So I looked up the word “crucible” and it means, “a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.” Feels about right. Sometimes I wish it never happened, that I never saw things for what they were, that I never opened my mouth, but, in the infinite wisdom of The Avett Brothers,
There’s no fortune at the end of the road
That has no end
There’s no returning to the spoils
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them
There’s no falling back asleep
Once you’ve wakened from the dream
Now I’m rested and I’m ready and I’m ready to begin.“February Seven”
There’s no going back to how things were. I couldn’t go back. That was a loss in and of itself.
ready to begin
I didn’t make chicken pot pie, a recipe I loved, for 10 years because there was an easy way and a hard way and I chose the hard way because I had this silly notion that if I spent 72 hours in the kitchen, I loved my family more or something. One thing I’ve learned in all of this is there are a million ways to do the right thing. You know how many people have asked my kids if they were c-section babies and then told them they were loved less because they we’re surgically extracted rather than born to a mother who didn’t get an epidural and listened to Enya and had her feet rubbed with essential oils? Absolutely zero people have told them that. Same thing goes for breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diapering vs. disposable diapers, preschool vs. Joy School, daycare vs. stay at home moms. As my kids have gotten older, the situations have gotten more complicated…sometimes I have to make decisions that break their hearts and it kills me. But I hope they remember at the end of the day, I love them more than anything and that I made Chicken Pot Pie for dinner and they have no idea that I used Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup and a couple of store-bought pie crusts.
the crucible
If I’ve ever made you feel “less-than” for anything, whether it’s in life or in the kitchen, I’m sorry. I’ve changed. I’m changing. That crucible thing is real, yo. “Life kicking you in the crotch” (sorry, y’all) has some transformative properties. Let me be the first to tell you that if you are feeding your kids, you’re doing a good job. If you’re getting them to school, you’re doing a good job. On those days when you literally pay your kids money to go to bed, you’re doing a good job. They are more resilient than we give them credit for. You have intrinsic worth that has absolutely ZERO correlation to your success or your family’s success or to the choices that other people make. You are stronger and more resilient than you think. You have not failed. Even (or especially) if you fed your family cereal for dinner when all you wanted to do was crawl in bed.
Love you all.
This post is so beautiful and now I am crying. I’ve been following you since my first baby was born, ten years ago. I feel like you are a friend. I am so sorry for the hurt and hard times you are going through. And to have a friend tell me that what I’m doing is enough is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I will refer back to this post over and over again. Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing this with us all ❤️❤️❤️
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I’m not sure I’ve ever commented on a blog post, but I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and realness. You beautifully articulated thoughts that have been bouncing around my head for the last year as I’ve been going through a life-altering crucible. I’m guessing that all of us who feel like we are alone in our worry and pain are surrounded by others who feel the same. Yes to everything you said. Yes to learning and perspective. Yes to priorities. And yes to cutting each other slack and cutting ourselves slack. Best wishes from Washington!
Thank you!!! Best wishes to you, too! ❤️❤️❤️
I have followed you and sara for about 7-8 years and love your recipes! Thank you for doing what you do. Now I have to say THANK YOU for this post! THIS is what life is about. THIS is what mercy and compassion and true charity and humility is about! We are all here to struggle and go through “crucible” type trials and by you being an advocate for sharing and giving each other a break it allows others to do the same! Thank you for sharing and for your words. I know they have touched so many-and dare i day ALL of us moms going through mom moments?! It broke my heart to read the struggles you are going through-and to know so many are in this exact situation. Thank you for your courage and strength-you are doing such an exceptional job! ????????♥️
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Bless you for letting us see your fragile, vulnerable side. We all have one (I think), and we somehow believe – that we’re supposed to keep it hidden. So, so hard – and not necessary, because we’re here to help hold you up, if you need some extra strength. Most of us eventually pass through really hard places. We come out scarred, but somehow smarter. Thank you for sharing your crucible with us. (and the pie looks awesome)
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Thank you for sharing! This is just the reminder I needed today ❤️
I’ll never forget watching that episode of mad men and bawling my eyes out. I’ve still never seen the last episode because I can’t bring myself to finish the show. I know that’s not what this post has to do with, but I always relate to you on so many ways and I love that about you. You are beautiful and wonderful and never made me feel less than. I never had a problem with the store rotisserie chicken. 😉 You’re exactly right that life begins to kick you in the crotch and you start offering yourself and others a lot more grace. You’re wonderful. ????
BAWLING. MY. EYES. OUT. It was such an amazing scene. If you do ever feel up to it, you need to watch the last episode because it’s a really beautiful redemption arc for Don.
I too have been a loyal follower and cookbook purchaser for years. Thanks for keepin it real and putting stuff out there. Yeah sometimes it is complicated, health insurance, benefits, things your kids need sometimes cause you to hang in situations you might not want to. I had a cancer scare last year where for about a month we thought I was dying. Turns out I have 15 benign tumors in my liver (weird but not currently life threatening.) We have totally completely changed our lives. We sold our house, we are closing our business, moving to another state. Just trying to grab life by the horns and enjoy it. Believe it or not “spending less time in the kitchen” and more time enjoying stuff has been a priority for me. (I’ve always been pretty OCD in the kitchen) anyways rambling but thank you for the well written post. Bloggers are real people too.
Oh my goodness!! I’m so glad they’re benign, but how scary!!! Take life by the horns, girl!
I made this recipe last week and was reminded how much I love it. I am also going through an incredibly difficult part of my life right now and it is hard and painful. Hopefully we all come out of these times stronger and more compassionate towards others. ♥️
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I cringe to think of the things I used to think about other parents and the way they raised their kids as well as the expectations I had for my own kids. I knew how they would dress and what activities they would like what their GPA’s would be. Not one of them is the child I imagined and that image has been hard to get over. BUT each one of them is their own person and so perfectly amazing that I’m so glad they didn’t turn out to be the people I was imagining!
RIGHT?! I feel this SO much!!
Tears running as I read this. Wow. Thank you for sharing! I’ve been following this blog since I got married 9 years ago. You and Sara literally taught me how to cook. Your post was something I needed to read today. Thank you for being real, and for being you. ????????????????????
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This post is beautiful! Thanks for your insights, your recipes and your vulnerability! I’m grateful to be able to connect with you in the small thing of reading your blog. You are amazing! Hugs!
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Nothing against Sara, but I am always excited when you post or share more substantial thoughts because I feel like we’re more alike – in that my kid ate a Cheeto out of the couch cushions and I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes kind of way. ???? This was vulnerable and wonderful and made me love you even more. I felt all the feels along the way. ❤️
You can ALWAYS count on me to be wearing yesterday’s SOMETHING. ????❤️❤️❤️
This is so, so beautiful. Thank you, thank you with a pie crust heart on top. I needed this. Thank you for being vulnerable and validating others in the process. Thank you.
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I’ve been a fan of yours and Sara’s and this blog/website since it’s beginning. Thanks for keeping it real!
It’s beautiful what time does to us. It doesn’t make us weaker, it makes us stronger and wiser. Love this post, the the Avett Brothers, love Mad Men, and love chicken pot pie. Thanks for sharing your view.
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What a lovely read. I wish you much happiness… and please know this has touched my heart and sole dearly today. Life is funny that way, others words can heal or make you think. That’s what you did for me today. With much gratitude-❤️ Thank you!
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Hello! I read your blog for a long time and then kind of fell away because of life. Recently I reconnected and caught up a bit with you on Instagram and I could tell there was a change in you but didn’t really know what it was other than I still loved your content and your heart for what you do. This post was right on time for me as someone who is going through a bit of a crucible of my own. Thank you and I pray for all the fullness God has for you and your family .
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This is beautiful. I’ve loved your blog for years now because you are both so real. I never have felt like you were being fake and just showing the idealized version of things like has become so common anymore.
Thank you!!
Me too. All of it. Thank you! ????❤❤
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This is so strange. I popped into my Instagram after putting laundry in the wash, having a particularly blue day from feeling inadequate. Well, inadequate years, but you know…. Anyway, this post has made me feel much better. Life isn’t the same for any person, but we can come together at the end of the day and say “That was hard times, wasn’t it?” So what do we get to do next? How do we get to grow as human beings? What helps us get through these times? I guess no one has the answer, ya know? But f*&#ing Kate from Our Best Bites made me smile today, and that’s pretty spectacular
I love this!!! Thank you for sharing!!
Oh, Kate ❤️ I can see why your fingers were shaking. Hugs to you. Big hugs and a good ugly cry from me. I’ve been threatening to make chicken pot pie. It is a lovely comfort food for me. Today is a great day to do so. Loved and appreciated your sweet thoughts.
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Amen, sister. Life has a way of helping you unlearn your earlier judgments and positions on the best way to live life. Your edges soften – I love that.
Thank you for being so vulnerable! It’s your down to earth humor and realism that has kept me following over the years, and your commitment to awesome food (no matter how you get there) that’s made you a household name! ❤️❤️
This is real life for sure mama!! Life is amazing and heartbreaking and gorgeous and devastating and harder than anything that any of us ever expected! THANK YOU for making it a little bit easier and a lot more beautiful!
Thank you for sharing a part of your heart and soul with your readers. Your words were so touching and beautiful. I wish you and your children the best as you navigate the future. Because of this post, I think I will remember you every time I make chicken pot pie!
Thank you for sharing. So sorry for the trials you have had to endure. So many of us walk around with heads held high and carry that burden so well no one knows. It’s helps to read others are working through things and no one alone. I love Our Best Bites. A few years ago I started a private blog just for my kids with family recipes and all my memories behind them. Now my oldest is on a mission and my second graduates this year. They love having a place to look up all the food they grew up with and reading my memories. Thanks for all you share with us.
Love this! Sending love and hugs your way. Your words hit home in so many ways.
We, as women need to lift each other up. Stop comparing when your kid does a, b and c. Stop comparing ourselves to this or that “celebrity .” In the grand scheme of things, who truly gives a damn? It’s not a contest to be won. You only get one shot at this life. There are no do-overs.
I’m sorry life has dealt you a crappy hand here lately. You are a strong, brave woman and you will come out on the other side a better person for having gone through it. Let the haters hate. Do not give in to them. We are all better than that. Thank you for your honesty . Those of us that have loved you and Sara for years will stick by you. The rest can take their balls and go find a new playpen!
I must have needed to read this. I’m crying like a baby on the stands while my little one does gymnastics. Thank you for these words and for you vulnerability in sharing them.
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I feel like I’ve been going through a crucible phase in my life as well, and I’ve been realizing how LITTLE some things matter. I’ve had to simplify, and we are better off for it. I’ve been trying to prioritize relationships over how many or how well things I can accomplish. It’s been a hard learning experience for me, but hopefully in the end I will be a better person because of it. Thank you for such a vulnerable post. I have always, always admired how both you and Sara keep things real and honest on this blog.
Yes yes!! It really is the little things that are big!!
I’ve been following for years and years and this is so much more than Nancy telling us a really boring story we scroll through to find the recipe. Thanks for sharing and I hope sunnier days are ahead. ☀️
Thank you!! ❤️