So almost exactly 10 years ago, I shared this recipe for Chicken Pot Pie. To be completely honest, I don’t think I had made it or read that post in the 10 years since I had posted it, I just remembered that a) it was a lot of work, b) I really, really liked it, and c) it reminded me of a time of life that was somehow more simple and more complicated than now. Reading through the post was strange, because it felt so close and so long ago at the same time. My original intention was to post new pictures, clean up irrelevant text, take out some of the more personal stuff that didn’t feel as relevant anymore, and repost it.
Because I know that food bloggers wax poetic and it’s not really in fashion anymore and I think we can all relate to this:
But I stumbled into that post and was taken back to another place and time and I couldn’t change anything. It reminded me of one of my most favorite scenes ever from Mad Men:
For better or worse, this blog has become a journal for Sara and me, little pockets of memories, things I had forgotten, most of them centered around food, which seems to have a strong hold on so many of my memories. Food, recipes, all of it takes me right back to a moment that happened years ago, but feels like moments.
that time when I was a better parent…
One of the things that has struck me as I’ve gone through old posts is my snobbery or judgmental attitudes toward a lot of things–parenting strategies, life choices, prepackaged foods. And then life happened. Kids got older, easier in some ways and harder in others. I did a lot of things I swore I would never do and stopped doing things I always swore I would (like that time I read a 60+ page Dr. Seuss book to my 5-day-old baby when we came home from the hospital. I hadn’t eaten or slept in 5 days, but by golly, my child was going to be a genius.)
Last December, as my dear friend sat in the hospital with her unborn baby’s life hanging in the balance, we had a talk about how the world spends first 20-25 years of your life telling you that the world is your oyster and if you dream it, you can be it/have it/whatever it, and then it starts to wear you down (I actually think the actual terminology I used was “kick you in the crotch.” ????????♀️????????) Student loans for your arts degree come due, miscarriages happen, infertility strikes, kids rebel, young and healthy spouses get sick or pass away, marriages fall apart, your heart gets broken in a lot of different ways. And those hard edges start to soften and you realize life isn’t one size fits all and for heavens sake, if I want to use canned soup or my kid wants to play a game on my phone while we wait for our food in a restaurant, sometimes that’s gonna happen.
what’s worth it
In the Chicken Pot Pie post, I shared a recipe for homemade cream of chicken soup instead of using canned soup, which I prided myself in never using. I touted the virtues of using homemade pie crust and I even roasted my own “fauxtisserie” chicken instead of grabbing an already-roasted chicken for the same price from the grocery store deli. All done in the name of somehow loving my family more, or something. I can tell you exactly why I haven’t made this recipe in 10 years–because I’m NOT DOING ALL THAT. I can remember how much work it was and it wasn’t worth it. But here’s what was worth it.
- When I was pulling the chicken meat from my (store-bought) rotisserie chicken, I remembered a sunny Sunday afternoon when my friend Kami and I sat in my kitchen, pulling chicken from rotisserie chickens for a well-intentioned but short-lived bout of meal prepping.
- My blue pie plate reminded me of Sara and her love of this color and how our lives have intertwined over years of shared recipes, phone calls, text messages, book launches, speaking engagements, hotel stays, laughing, crying, our kids picking right up where they left off every time, and some of the darkest, hardest moments of both of our lives. I don’t know if God is involved in every friendship or detail of my life, but I truly believe that Sara has always been part of my “life plan.”
- Rolling out the top pie crust for the pot pie, I wondered how I should vent it; my go-to has always been a lattice crust, but on a whim, I cut out a heart.
My freshman year of college, my roommate taught me how to make apple pie, the BEST apple pie, and her signature was the heart in the center of the crust. 3 years ago, she passed away from breast cancer, but this pie was a little bit of her (not in a Game of Thrones kind of way, just that I had a fleeting, love-filled memory of someone gone, but not completely.
My freshman year of college, my roommate taught me how to make apple pie, the BEST apple pie, and her signature was the heart in the center of the crust. 3 years ago, she passed away from breast cancer, but this pie was a little bit of her (not in a Game of Thrones kind of way, just that I had a fleeting, love-filled memory of someone gone, but not completely.She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
I don’t normally ruminate quite so much food. Sometimes dinner is just dinner and food is just food. But sometimes it’s more. Apparently Chicken Pot Pie is one of those times.
A couple of years ago, I heard a stunning performance of “She Used to be Mine” from the musical Waitress and it set me down a path I never thought I’d be on.
Some you have picked up on the fact that I’ve been going through some stuff over the last couple of years. I haven’t gone into details or a whole lot of specifics because it’s not entirely my story to tell and it’s also hard to be vulnerable and not feel like a failure. My husband and I separated a couple of years ago. We’re not divorced, and it’s kind of a complicated situation, and I’ve learned a lot. A lot. The word that kept coming into my head was “crucible,” and I didn’t even completely know what it meant other than that it a famous play/the “Crucible Cast Party” SNL skit with Lin-Manuel Miranda. So I looked up the word “crucible” and it means, “a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.” Feels about right. Sometimes I wish it never happened, that I never saw things for what they were, that I never opened my mouth, but, in the infinite wisdom of The Avett Brothers,
There’s no fortune at the end of the road
That has no end
There’s no returning to the spoils
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them
There’s no falling back asleep
Once you’ve wakened from the dream
Now I’m rested and I’m ready and I’m ready to begin.“February Seven”
There’s no going back to how things were. I couldn’t go back. That was a loss in and of itself.
ready to begin
I didn’t make chicken pot pie, a recipe I loved, for 10 years because there was an easy way and a hard way and I chose the hard way because I had this silly notion that if I spent 72 hours in the kitchen, I loved my family more or something. One thing I’ve learned in all of this is there are a million ways to do the right thing. You know how many people have asked my kids if they were c-section babies and then told them they were loved less because they we’re surgically extracted rather than born to a mother who didn’t get an epidural and listened to Enya and had her feet rubbed with essential oils? Absolutely zero people have told them that. Same thing goes for breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diapering vs. disposable diapers, preschool vs. Joy School, daycare vs. stay at home moms. As my kids have gotten older, the situations have gotten more complicated…sometimes I have to make decisions that break their hearts and it kills me. But I hope they remember at the end of the day, I love them more than anything and that I made Chicken Pot Pie for dinner and they have no idea that I used Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup and a couple of store-bought pie crusts.
the crucible
If I’ve ever made you feel “less-than” for anything, whether it’s in life or in the kitchen, I’m sorry. I’ve changed. I’m changing. That crucible thing is real, yo. “Life kicking you in the crotch” (sorry, y’all) has some transformative properties. Let me be the first to tell you that if you are feeding your kids, you’re doing a good job. If you’re getting them to school, you’re doing a good job. On those days when you literally pay your kids money to go to bed, you’re doing a good job. They are more resilient than we give them credit for. You have intrinsic worth that has absolutely ZERO correlation to your success or your family’s success or to the choices that other people make. You are stronger and more resilient than you think. You have not failed. Even (or especially) if you fed your family cereal for dinner when all you wanted to do was crawl in bed.
Love you all.
Questions & Reviews
Thank you so much for this touching post. You had me laughing and crying. I have followed your blog for years. I feel like you and Sara are good friends of mine. ❤️ As someone who is struggling right now with a different struggle you touched my heart. I am so grateful for your amazing words that buoyed and comforted me when I needed it. You truly are amazing! ????
Big hugs, Kate! I’ve followed you two and cooked your recipes filled with love for as long as I can remember. In that time, I’ve gone through several crucibles and can attest that it changes your outlook on the everyday. I’m so glad you have each other to lean on. ???? I pray you continue to find the support you need and that you can give yourself grace through these tough times.
Thank you for your authenticity. It’s is refreshing and strengthens me. I’ve followed you and Sara for 10 years and I love you both ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing. I think we can all relate to this on some level. It’s amazing how much wisdom we gain with age and yet some days I still feel like I know so little. I have loved following your blog and getting a glimpse into yours and Sara’s lives. I use your recipes all the time!
What a beautiful and real and vulnerable post!! Thank you for being real and being you! I have found myself going through similar transformations and finding greater understanding and love and empathy for those around me. We need to judge each other less and love each other more! Thanks again!
Oh Kate, thank you for your honesty and for being so real. I am a lot older than you and can totally relate to how our judgments about others soften as we gain more life experience. Hang in there!
p.s I love your blog and have all your cookbooks!
Best post I’ve read in a long time! Thanks for keeping it real. Life is hard. It gets harder, and then maybe it gets better for a bit. I hope yours lightens a bit.
All of this. Yes. Life kicks you in the crotch sometimes but it is always still the one life we have and it is beautiful. Beautifully hard, but beautiful.
And I was a “superior” parent, too… then I realized what my kids needed was me and my time, not a weeknight dinner I spent 5 hours making.
Thank you for making this chicken pot pie. And being you.
Yes!!! They want me, not some crazy meal that I spent the day making!
So, I also love your sunny and comical perspective on adulting and parenting and life. Like equally as much as I love Tim Riggins Brownies, chocolate peanut butter cookies, fruit salad in chocolate dipped cones and oatmeal cookies.
Keep being you. God knows the world needs all the bright spots. ❤️❤️❤️
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Kate – this hit me hard in the gut. Such an open and honest post…I appreciate you sharing so much. ❤️
What a thought-provoking and heart-wrenching post. I have been thinking a lot lately about what things are truly important, and your words capitalized on my thoughts and clarified them. My heart aches for you and I hope you know how many people and families you have impacted for the good, not only with your delicious recipes but also with your willingness to be real and honest and accessible and vulnerable. God bless you and your children.
My heart is heavy for you. That couldn’t have been easy to first, keep quiet with this life altering information and then, to open up and share it with us. Thank you for trusting us and letting us in. You and Sara are loved by thousands for your authenticity, among many many things. And we, in turn, love you back.????
With so many comments mine probably won’t be original but I had to say thanks. Thanks for being real and sharing things that were probably tough to put out there. We try so hard as moms to be and do everything and I think a lot of us feel a lot of the time that we’re not good enough. Reading this today made me feel like I am enough today. And I hope I remember it. God bless in your crucible, hope you find your way to peace and happiness ????
You are amazing. It is rough to go through a separation/divorce/whatever…I think I went into hiding for about 3 years after mine. You are brave for sharing and I have always loved your blog and your genuine way of writing. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this “crucible”. But the lessons you learn will be invaluable. Hugs to you!
Sending love! ❤️ Been with you guys a long time.
Thank you. Especially for that last paragraph, which made me tear up in a good way. We moms always need more encouragement, and this real life encouragement is just what I needed today.
Oh, honey. I don’t know you, but I just want to give you a big hug. The older I get, the more I realize we’re all just doing the best we can. Thank you for your honesty and the reminder to extend a little more kindness to each other, and to ourselves.
Oh I sooo needed this. But now I am crying at my desk at work and have to go to the ladies. Thanks for this post.
I love this! I have been a fan since your days on BBC and The Daily Bite. I’ve also had some challenges and big life changes, so I really relate to all you said about what really matters. We are all doing our best, and our kids are loved!
This is beautiful and real, and just right. Thank you. <3
I’m sorry things have been rough but thank you for letting it make you more sympathetic to the pain everyone is feeling in some way or another! Even though I only know you through a food blog…all the prayers m’dear
I have been on your site for so long I cannot remember. I’m not someone who comments often but I love telling the world about your amazing food! You guys have been filling OUR home with wonderful food and laughter from your great sense of humor! We have so enjoyed hearing your journey along the way. I will be praying for your family and the turmoil I know this portion of your journey must be bringing. Will pray that you find Peace that surpasses all understanding! We are with you! HE will always be with you, no matter what! Thanks for sharing ❤️
Thank you!!!
This post brought tears to my eyes. For your loss and trials, and for mine. Thank you for keeping it real and for being brave enough to share these thoughts. There’s comfort in knowing that we are all navigating this crazy life together.
There is…which is weird, right? Maybe that’s part of the point.
Love this post. You guys have been around for many of my family’s memories and I thank you for that. Thank you for being real and helping us all feel lifted up.
Kate, I have been following you and Sara since those original chicken pot pie days and remembered thinking, “oh man! I didn’t even know you could make your own cream of chicken!” It was a learning moment for me. And then occasionally as I would grab a can of cream of chicken I would smile about it. I am grateful for all of your phases, and this post is so spot on in every way. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for opening up. Thanks for being such a huge part of our lives, even when you don’t know you are. I know you’ve had your share of challenges and awakenings and you have learned the valuable lesson of how to NGAF, and I am so proud of you. Thanks for being the laugh in those random moments when I needed one, and for sharing parts of your life.
I don’t know you or Sara but I love your blog and ALL of your recipes. I have been divorced for about 2 years now and it is just me and my 16 year old daughter at home now. Once or twice a month we pick an OBB recipe to make together. Sometimes its a new recipe, sometimes its an old favorite. Tomorrow night we are making your Broccoli Beef – it’s one of our very faves. Thank you to both of you for sharing your lives – the good and the bad – and your recipes with us. This mama and her daughter have enjoyed our time together making them and have sure enjoyed eating them!
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Thank you for keeping it real. It doesn’t happen enough. ❤️❤️❤️
Sending so much love back. I’ve loved this site since I found it, years ago, and some of the recipes you and Sara put out are still and always will be go-tos in my house. Thank you for doing what you do, for growing and changing and sharing and having a great sense of humor, too. xoxo
Being real and vulnerable is so healing, but sometimes when I’m not in a place to be real and vulnerable myself, reading real and vulnerable words of others is healing for me as well. Thank you so much for this post. Cheering you on today. ????
Thank you!!!❤️❤️❤️
I never post comments but after reading this I just wanted to tell you how often I read your posts and think to myself, “wow I love how real she is and how she doesn’t feel a need to be perfect to the world. “. Thank you— so many people need to see the real, the hard, and the struggles. I have a friend who can’t look at Facebook and Instagram because it makes her feel bad about herself because her life hadn’t turned out perfect. I know reading this would do her good. Thank you for sharing the real you.
Thank you!! ❤️❤️❤️